The Farting Rules

Used to be when you farted around our house you just said in a sing songy falsetto, “Excuse me, I made a smelly!” Unless of course it was an SBD (silent but deadly), then you just sat back and looked for reactions and depending on them decided to claim it or accuse, “He who smellt it dealt it!” And then there were times when you were grocery shopping with Poppa and he would fart, look around for an audience, and point his finger at you and say rather loudly, with a straight face, “Nicole (or the name of whichever kid was closest), that’s nasty.” And he’d either hold his nose or make gagging sounds or both. He never farted in the aisle with the air fresheners either or you could at least break even (after Poppa broke wind) with a retaliatory puff of Febreze or Oust. Nope, no such luck.

But now the farting rules have changed. If you fart, you must say “safety”. (I don’t know how this works with SBDs.) But if you don’t say “safety” someone else will say “doorknob” and you will have to run and touch a doorknob and/or risk getting punched (usually on the upper arm) on the way. Then there’s another part where someone says “after burn” but I forget exactly what that means. Maybe you only get that after eating copious quantities of jalapeno or habanero peppers. That’s what I used to think after burn meant anyway. And one more thing, what about people (like Poppa) who can fart on demand. I’d surely have an accident if I tried that. The only doorknob I’d be running for would be the one on the bathroom door!